Against Medical Advice
by Feagalad
Summary: The Doctor and The Nurse, The Last Time Lord and The Lone Centurion, Raggedy Man and Rory Williams...with a dash of Amelia Pond, shaken and stirred.
1. Before The Pandorica

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* * *

"I think he's waking up, Quintus."

Rory groaned as he became aware of a buzzing in his head. So was he dead? Was this what the afterlife was like? Because, if it was, he was going to file a complaint…no matter how good the cool cloth on his forehead felt like!

He opened up his eyes and blinked away the matter. "Um…hello?" He said to the face that slowly came into focus.

The young man smiled. "Hello yourself."

"Where…where am I?"

He snorted. "Why Rome, of course! You must have hit your head very hard to forget coming to the center of the world!"

_Rome_?! Rory licked his lips nervously. (This was a new one.) "Right, sorry, I…uh…what happened?"

"You were hit in the street by a bit of masonry. We really need to get those roofs fixed before it causes another incident like the one in Palestine with the Hur family." This was a dark-haired girl. Pretty, tall, and willowy. If Rory wasn't already a taken man he might even say that she was 'hot', but…_AMY!_

Rory sat up with a jerk, ignoring the way the room spun and his head throbbed. "Where the hell is Amy?!" He demanded, glaring at the two other occupants of the room. (Probably siblings, going by the family similarity of appearance.)

They exchanged a look. "Just calm down, soldier." The young man soothed, putting up his hands in a calming gesture that did little to slow the racing of Rory's heart. "There is no one by the name of Amy here. I am Quintus and this is my sister, EVILina."

That earned him a very Amy-like swat to the back of the head. "It's EVElina, thank you very much!" The sister said with a huff.

Rory stifled a snort, despite of himself. "You're brother and sister?"

"Unfortunately."

They both rolled their eyes in perfect synchronisation. Rory sighed. He missed Amy. And he was going to find out where she was, come hell or high water!

* * *

"I thank you for all your hospitality, ma'am." Rory said, fiddling with the clasp on his tunic (Tunic?! What the hell?!) "I really do appreciate it."

"You better watch out for loose masonry after this, son."

The lord and lady of the house (Caecilius and Metella) stood side by side, his arm around her waist in a gesture of love and familiarity that made Rory's heart ache for a certain Scottish redhead. He swallowed. "Will do. Thank you again for helping me out." He didn't know what was going on, but that was no cause to be rude.

Metella smiled. "My Quintus is studying to be a doctor, so there was no way he was going to leave you to be trampled in the street…even if the rest of us HAD been of the mind to do so." She looked Rory up and down critically. "Are you sure you won't stay for the evening meal with us?"

"No, ma'am." Rory rubbed his forehead. "I have to go see if I can find my friend." Was The Doctor his friend? Ehh…close enough.

"Now, Metella, don't pressure the boy." Caecilius said. "We thank the household gods that you were not hurt worse."

Rory blinked, peering at the engraved marble. Was that the TARDIS?!

"Can you at least tell us your name?" Evelina asked from where she stood next to her brother. "Is it Julius? Severus? Pius?"

The buzzing static was still in his head and Rory shook it to clear it. "No." He said. "It's Rory. I'm just Rory."

"Roranicus…strange name for a Roman."


	2. Pond Life Interlude

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* * *

_"I really hate it when he does that." _

Amy groaned and let her head flop against Rory's shoulder. "We have a rule about the bedroom." She muttered. "We have a RULE!"

"It's like raising a kid. An overgrown, centuries-old, egotistical, immature, completely mad kid!"

''Yeah, I know. How am I his friend again?''

Amy's head moved up and down as Rory shrugged. ''You tell me." He said. "You were the one imagining him for twelve-odd years.''

''Will _nobody _forget that?!''

She felt the rumble under her cheek as Rory chuckled. "As long as we have your imaginary friend breaking into our house at all hours of the day and night? No. Sorry. Can't forget him so easily."

He grunted as Amy stabbed him with her fingernail. "Watch it, Centurion!" The redhead grumbled. "I didn't see _you _complaining whenever you two were gabbing on about 1st Century dental hygiene or whatever it was I walked in on the other week."

"Oi." Rory protested. "Don't say it like that, 'walked in on'. That's just wrong."

Amy lifted up her head and leaned on her hand, resting her elbow on the mattress. ''Well, its not like he's snogged you or anything right?'' Amy winked, and ducked at the half-hearted pillow thrown at her sleep-ruffled copper haired head.

Rory shook his head. ''I _knew _I should never have told you about that.''

''No, I'm glad you did, at least now I know where my competition lies.'' She winked at him again, but couldn't dodge her husband's tickling fingers.

"What was that, Mrs. Williams?"

Amy squirmed, giggling helplessly as Rory's fast fingers dug into her ribs. "S-stop it!" She gasped, spitting out a lock of hair.

"What?" Rory tipped his head to the side and stopped for a moment as if listening (though his fingers stayed poised at her side), "Did you say something?" Amy took a deep breath to speak and Rory shrugged. "Huh. Guess not." He resumed his attack.

"Don't...stop!"

"Don't stop?" He was laughing too, face lit up in the brilliant smile she had loved since the day Mels had pushed them together and she had asked him out on a date. "Did you say 'don't stop'?"

Amy screamed with laughter. "Stop, you...you Roman!"

"What's the magic word?"

"P-p-pleeeease!"

After another few seconds of running his fingers up Amy's ribs, Rory called the retreat.

Once Amy had sort-of caught her breath, she gasped out ''Not Williams. Pond!''

''Amy, did you actually pay any attention to our pre-marriage class things? Or just use common knowledge? The bride always takes the husband's surname. Just don't start telling me you want to be Amy Pond-Williams.''

Amy looked over at Rory, and made her eyes big, pouting. ''But the Doct-''

''Yes, The Doctor. The one who had you almost killed multiple times and me actually killed one or twice, blah, blah, blah.''

Amy punched him on the arm. ''Shut up, Big-Nose.''

Rory rubbed his arm, wincing. ''Thanks, Copper-Curls.''

They sat in the dark in comfortable silence for a moment before Rory spoke. "It's not that I mind using the name 'Pond'." He said slowly. "It's a beautiful name and, more importantly, it belongs to you. I just don't understand why you don't like the last name 'Williams'."

Amy inched over and put an arm around Rory's shoulders. "Chin up, soldier." She said gently, giving the back of his neck a squeeze. "If you're worried about me regretting having married you, then I'm going to have to call you Stupid-Face again."

That coaxed a faint smile out of her husband. "When did you ever stop?"

"Fair enough. But," Amy leaned in and tried to speak as seriously as possible so her words would sink in, "I don't really mind the name 'Williams' because it's attached to the most adorable, loyal, brave nurse from Leadworth that ever there was. Amelia Pond is a fairytale, Amy Pond is a traveller, and Mrs. Williams is a happy wife who loves her husband very much." She sealed that with a kiss to Rory's cheek. "Besides...it's The Doctor who's being childish and insisting on the other name."

She felt Rory smile - wider this time. "Well, Amy, for all we know the blokes taking the name of the woman's family might be customary on whatever planet he originally came from."

''Garibaldi? Giancarlo? Gallagher?'' Amy frowned in concentration. ''He doesn't name it too often but he told me once...I think it was...ah. YES! Gallifrey!'' Amy smiled widely, the smile her husband fell in love with when he was six.

He realised he must have been staring at her, when Amy snapped her fingers in front of his face.

''Hellooo, Roooory?'' she sing-songed.

''Yes, dear?'' he replied, shaking his head and blinking.

Amy glared at him. "Have you heard a SINGLE word I said in the past five minutes?"

Rory gave himself a mental slap. "Um. We were talking about The Doctor's planet?"

His lovely wife looked like _she _might slap him. ''That was _AGES _ago, Daydream-Boy! No, what I was talking about was...ooh, I dunno, _wifely_ things?'' She shot him a suggestive wink.

Rory's brain shut down, just like it did every time she did that. And she was well aware of it. _Whoa, _was she aware! ''Um...''

"Well it's not like we're going to go back to sleep anyway..."


	3. Meanwhile In The TARDIS III

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* * *

"Doctor!" Amy Pond came storming into the Console Room, fiery red hair flying out behind her, her husband Rory on her heels.

"Pon- ow!" The Doctor was under the console, twiddling and fiddling with something - it looked like a pipe with a suction cup on the end - and buzzing his sonic screwdriver. Upon Amy's rather loud entrance, he unconsciously sat up and bashed his head on the side of the console...the bit with the type-writer on it.

"Ponds!" he tried again, after getting out from his Hobbit-hole and standing, while rubbing his head where he bumped it and wincing.

"Don't you 'Ponds' us!" Amy snapped. "I'm not having any of your misdirections, you ridiculous martian!"

The Doctor winced slightly, mind going a million miles away for a moment, before he shook himself and plastered on a smile. "You do know that I'm not from Mars, right, Pond?"

Amy just glared at him. If looks could kill, the Doctor would have been dead, two hearts, regenerations and all. "What?"

"I'm often accused of being a Martian. I have no idea why, I mean I look like you humans, and besides looking cool in a bowtie and having a weird name, how do you know? I mean, I've met a Martian, I look _nothing_ like them…" The Doctor was babbling again.

"Er… Doctor…?" Rory asked, looking worriedly at his wife, who was turning as red as her hair. "We weren't...we weren't talking about Mars or bowties or anything like that. Just could you listen up?"

The Doctor shrugged, pulled himself to his feet, straightened his bowtie (noting in annoyance that it was splotched with a bit of oil) and leaned against the console. "Well, what can I do for you?"

"Doctor, we have rules." both Amy and Rory said at exactly the same time.

"Wow, how did you do that? Have humans evolved, become telepathic? It can't be a coincidence, if it is a coincidence, I'm ignoring it, I'm busy…" Muttering furiously, the Doctor picked up his sonic and started buzzing them. He span around them, his coat flying out behind him. "Ah… ha? Nothing? Really? How?" He then proceeded to bash the piece of equipment against his palm.

"DOCTOR! Could you please focus for just one minute?!"

He looked up from bashing the sonic's brain out rather sheepishly. "Fo…focused? I'm focused. Completely focused. Totally focused. I'm the King of Focus!" He opened and closed his mouth with an expression of confusion on his face. After a short pause, he said "…what were you saying? Something about tools? Spools? Mules…?"

"Rules, Doctor, rules." Rory pinched the bridge of his nose and reminded himself why he put up with the batty alien. "We were talking about rules."

"Really? Because I could have sworn that - "

"DO WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU A LIST?!" Amy stepped forward, ignoring Rory's squawk, and stabbed The Doctor in his skinny chest with one fingernail.

"W-what did I do?" The alien demanded, backing up against the console to get away from her assault. Amy didn't get angry very often...but certain things set her off with all the fire that her Scottish heritage and red hair warned of.

"You. Know. What. You. Did." she said, punctuating each word with a poke above his hearts.

The Doctor looked behind him, saw he didn't have an space to move backwards, so he slipped sideways and ran to safety around the other side of the console. "I really have no idea what you're talking about, Amy." Seeing her face, his eyes widened and he yelled "RORY! ITS YOUR TURN, SHE'S HAVING A MOMENT!"

"Oh no!" Rory protested, throwing up his hands. "Nope, no. I am NOT getting involved this time. Fight your own battles and face it like a man, Doctor."

"But she's your wife, Roman!" The Doctor yelped as he saw Amy stalking towards is side of the console and breaching his safety. "Rory… please, don't let her go Mrs Weasley on me! Please?"

That derailed Amy for a moment as she blinked. "You've read Harry Potter?"

The Doctor looked at her, relief washing over his face at his momentary respite. "Yes. I-I have. I even went forward in time for book seven, finished reading it before you lot had even read the first page…"

"Did you cry when Hedwig died?" Amy shot a look of surprise at her husband who shrugged. "Just asking!"

"Rory… who do you know who hasn't? The same with Dobby…" Amy blinked rapidy, feeling tears behind her eyelids at the memory of reading it for the first time.

"I told her not to." the Doctor said quietly.

"What?"

"What?!"

"J. K. Rowling. I told her not to kill off so many good guys. George, Dobby, Hedwig, Lupin, Tonks… I told her not to." the Doctor said, sounding depressed.

"Whoa, whoa...wait." Amy said, holding up a hand. "George? She didn't kill off George! She killed off Fred!"

"Oh, well, same difference, they're twins. Always get confused with twins, me." Now feeling completely at ease, having distracted Amy and her wrath, he shrugged and started munching on a Jammy Dodger that it appeared he had produced out of nowhere. "Besides, it was originally going to be George having his throat ripped out by Greyback, but I told her I thought it was a bit too gory, so she scrapped it." having finished eating the biscuit while saying that, he wiped the crumbs and sugar off his fingers and became distracted by something on the console.

Amy and Rory just stared.

"What the hell?" Rory said at last. "Is there anything you HAVEN'T done?"

The Doctor thought for a bit. "Hmmm. Nope. Except, maybe, listen to you…?" He said finally with a smile and a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Oh yes. That reminds me!" Amy said, frown re-settling on her face. "Remember the list of RULES we told you about, Doctor?"

The Doctor swallowed nervously. "What?"

"Rules, mate. Like no bowties in the bathroom and fezzes on Amy's teddy-bear?" Rory told him.

"Yes…?" the Doctor said, still sounding nervous.

"And no bursting into our bedroom without knocking first? Or using my shampoo bottles to hold alien frogspawn?" Amy continued, glaring.

The Doctor swallowed hard and ran his finger under his collar like his beloved bowtie was too tight for him. "Your point?" he asked weakly.

"My point? My point is WHY IS THERE ALIEN FROGSPAWN IN MY SHAMPOO?!"

Amy was breathing very hard and Rory laid a hand on her arm. "We were in the shower, Doctor," The Doctor grimaced and went red, "And now there's a bunch of little, well, alien frogs all over our bedroom."

"You'd BETTER have a good explanation for this!"

The Doctor hesitated, clearly showing that he was choosing his words carefully. "Weeellll… you see… um…" was all he said while trying to think of a decent explanation. "Look," he said finally, "its all wibbly-wobbly experiment-y stuff, nothing to worry yourself with. Not toxic to humans or anything…"

"I don't care if its toxic, _Doctor_." Amy said coldly. "I just don't want bloody ALIEN FROGSPAWN in my BEDROOM!"

"But they're just harmless, innocent little lives, I needed the strawberry in your shampoo to help them hatch. They're also the last of their kind…"

"Oh my God, Doctor! Could you at least have stored them somewhere other than our bathroom?" Rory demanded.

"No." the Doctor replied simply, going back to fiddle with whatever distracted him earlier on the console.

"WHY NOT?"

The Doctor shrugged. "I had a handful of alien frog-spawn, your bathroom was the closest place that I knew had what I needed in it."

"MY GOD!" Amy threw up her hands in disgust and stomped off. "You are unbelievable sometimes!"

The alien peered after her in confusion before looking at Rory who was standing there looking stern with his arms crossed over his chest. "Was it something I said?"

Rory just huffed, rolled his eyes, and walked after his wife. "Maybe next time don't _leave _the frogspawn there, Doctor." He said. "That _was _going to be a rather nice shower, you know."

The Doctor blushed and hid behind the console as the couple left. "Oh, Sexy. Just you and me then, eh?"

His faithful machine purred in agreement and continued to drift through time and space.


	4. Rules From The TARDIS Bulletin Board

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* * *

**Amy&Rory:** _Doctor, we would very much appreciate it if you would KNOCK before barging into our bedroom!_

**The Doctor:** _Well, then, you two, no snogging on the console. Sexy doesn't like it._

**Rory:** _Who is Sexy?_

**The Doctor:** _Rory, its the TARDIS. _Obviously_._

**Rory:** _Obviously. I should have known._

* * *

**Amy&Rory:**_ No more alien species' in places we contain any liquids we use! Or anywhere near our living quarters._

**The Doctor: **_That was only once!__  
_

* * *

**Rory: **_My sword is not meant for helping you change the TARDIS lightbulb in deep space, Doctor._

* * *

**The Doctor:** _No more spying up Amy's skirt through my glass floor. I asked you to help me fix my TARDIS, not break her._

**Rory:**_ That was only once!_

* * *

**Amy:** _No more 'taking turns' when it comes to talking to me or I will slap you both. You boys are impossible!_

* * *

**The Doctor: **_Please don't play your music so loud when I'm trying to drive...it is atrocious._

**Amy: **_Bit like your driving, then._

**The Doctor: **_Oi!_

* * *

**Amy:** _No waltzing with River on the glass floor, Doctor. Last time Rory and I had to nurse you through a sprained ankle._

**Rory:** _And you are a TERRIBLE patient!_

* * *

**The Doctor:**_ No more screaming for each other on adventures...handcuff yourselves together if you have to._

**Amy:** _Ooo...handcuffs! Very risqué!_

**The Doctor:**_...also, NO DIRTY JOKES! Not about your love life. Its rude and... and...frankly...rather embarrassing!_

**Rory:** _You don't seem to mind handcuff jokes whenever you're flirting with my daughter._

**The Doctor:**_ From now on, refer to my wife as 'River'... not 'our daughter'. Its just weird. And wibbly-wobbly...timey-wimey._

**Amy:** _How about no more using technobabble as an excuse to get yourself out of things?_

* * *

**The Doctor: **_I'm allowed to say 'bowties are cool' without anyone dissing it. Because bowties. Are. Cool._

**River:**_ Oh no, Sweetie, bowties are only good for one thing - whenever I'm pulling them off of you._

**The Doctor:** _River!_

**Rory:** _DOCTOR!_

**The Doctor:**___ Was that really necessary, Rory? Okay, a correction. River is the only one who can say or do anything with my bowtie._

* * *

**Amy:** _My hair clips, ties, and ribbons are NOT acceptable to be used as a 'finger in the dyke' to replace missing TARDIS parts._

* * *

**The Doctor:**_ The TARDIS console is not the kitchen. How many times do I have to remove teacups from it? Do you know what spilt tea can do to her?!_

**Rory:** _Uhhh...that was you, Doctor._

**Amy:** _Yeah. And the Jammy Dodger in the vents that you chewed me out about was you too. Are you getting forgetful in your old age?_

**Doctor:**_ Do we have to always mention my age? Only I get to do that. Otherwise it sounds like everyone's great-great-great-great grandfather!_

**Rory:** _Stop sulking, Doctor. You're just a teenager compared to me._

**The Doctor:**_ If I'm a Hobbit yes. I wasn't the last time I looked._

**Rory:** _...nevermind._

* * *

**Amy&Rory:** _Doctor. No banana air fresheners in our room!_


End file.
